Sunday, December 7, 2014

A story of me and an aggressive salesman

One thing that annoys the hell out of me is people who try to aggressively sell me something. Especially when I'm not in the mood to buy anything. This happens to me a lot.

So I'm getting gas at a service station recently. Another customer there looked at my old car with dents and chipped paint. He then approached me and says "Man, you need a new car! By the way, I do auto sales at this local dealership. Here's my card!" He then handed me his business card.

I wonder how many cars he's sold using this method. I'm guessing zero. I wonder what would happen if he was in a different occupation and he tried this same type of sales pitch.

"Man, you need to get to the gym, Fatso! By the way, I'm a personal trainer. Here's my card!"

John Griggs

Monday, November 24, 2014

Dumb and Dumber Little Old Lady

The original Dumb and Dumber is one of my favorite comedy movies. Here is the scene where Lloyd Christmas gets ripped off by a little old lady:

The little old lady is played by Connie Sawyer. She was 82 when the original Dumb and Dumber was released in December of 1994, twenty years ago.

Believe it or not, at the time I wrote this article, she is still alive!!! Her birth date is November 27, 1912. This means she turns 102 on Thanksgiving Day of this year. She is also is in the Dumb and Dumber To sequel, which was released this month. I guess when Jim Carrey told her "Don't you go dying on me", she took that literally.

For more information about Connie Sawyer, you can read about her on Wikipedia here. Interestingly, she was actually a stand up comedian at one time. I would like to know if there are any recordings of her comedy. If I find any videos of her performances, I will put them on a future post.

I am looking forward to taking my girlfriend to see the Dumb and Dumber To this Thanksgiving weekend. Jim Carrey is one of my favorite comedic actors, so I am sure it will be awesome.

Here is one of my favorite scenes from the original Dumb and Dumber. Enjoy!

John Griggs

Monday, July 21, 2014

How to make your jokes funnier

A great way to get more laughs from your jokes is to add a tag, otherwise known as a topper. A tag is basically a second (or a third, a fourth, or more) punchline without starting a new setup.

I will demonstrate the use of tags, using one of my newer jokes as an example. The first paragraph will be the setup, the second paragraph will be the punchline, and the third paragraph will be the tag. Here we go:

So I'm 43 years old. A lot of people my age are concerned about gray hairs. This morning, I ended up pulling ten gray hairs.

Man, I sure pissed off a lot of nursing home residents!

Especially since they were nose hairs.

John Griggs

Saturday, June 14, 2014

How to deal with collection agencies and telemarketers

If you get a call from a collection agency or a telemarketer, you should do what I do. Act like you're going to pay, and then stutter like Porky Pig.

"My Vu Visa nu nu number is BULEEB BULLEEB four four fu fu four four fu four four fu four four four..."

John Griggs

Wednesday, June 4, 2014

Another reason why working in a call center sucks

I currently work in a call center. Today we were really slow, and I was enjoying the long break in between calls. All of a sudden, a manager dials my extension and says "Hey John, I need you to take a couple of calls from another department." I told him "That's fine."

From that moment forward, I took dozens of calls from that department non-stop for the remaining five hours of my shift. I guess my company's definition of "a couple" differs from mine.

So tomorrow morning, I'm calling that manager and telling him I'm going to be a couple of minutes late for work.

John Griggs

Saturday, April 5, 2014

One awesome way to stop procrastinating

One of the reasons we procrastinate is because the task we are going to do seems to be too much work. I am sure many of you out there have put off writing a book, cleaning your house, or working out because of this.

If you are a procrastinator, try this: work on whatever it is you are procrastinating on for only 15 minutes. Even if you only work on your task for this short amount of time, you will have made progress toward whatever it is you have been putting off Also, once you get in motion and start taking action, you may very well end up working on your project or goal for a longer amount of time.

There's something I myself have been procrastinating on for quite some time now. So I am going to follow my own advice and do something for 15 minutes that I have putting off too long.

Have sex.

John Griggs

Tuesday, March 25, 2014

Do people have sex after age 40?

I recently watched this video on YouTube. Miley Cyrus had an interview on the Today Show. Take a look at this shit...

During the interview, Miley Cyrus said she heard that around the age of 40 is when people don't have sex any more.

I'd like to know where she gets her data from. Certainly not from me. I am 43 years old now, and I can assure you I did not stop having sex after age 40. I've actually had sex with more than one woman since then. Only one at a time though. :>

I am also related to somebody who was definitely sexually active after age 40. When he was in his forties, he married a woman around 20 years younger than him. After that they ended up having two daughters together. Those two daughters were my mother and aunt.

Do you think Hugh Hefner, Gene Simmons, George Clooney, or Brad Pitt stopped having sex after age 40? I don't think so!

I have never been a big fan of Miley Cyrus. Seeing videos like this just confirms just how stupid she is. If it wasn't for her father, she would be flipping burgers at McDonald's right now.

So Miley Cyrus, it is NOT true that people stop having sex after age 40. However, I can tell you one thing that I know is true...

Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had stopped having sex in 1992.

Wednesday, March 12, 2014

A story about me, a friend, and two female college students

I now live in Tempe, Arizona. One of the things I like about staying here is the fact that I am in close proximity to Arizona State University. Meaning there are lots of young, female college students in my neighborhood.

So it's a sunny Tuesday afternoon. I'm in my townhouse here in Tempe. I'm in my kitchen minding my own business having a snack. A friend of mine then says to me, "Hey John! Take a look at this!!!"

So I look outside, and lo and behold there are two attractive females walking by in short shorts who appear to be in their early twenties. One was a tall, long legged blonde. The other one was a shorter, but equally attractive oriental. "That's nice!" I say.

Apparently, an open screen door and a distance of 20 yards wasn't enough of a barrier to keep both of them from hearing my booming voice. Both of them stop and look inside my home to see who said that.

I am now wondering where I can get a good deal on work clothes and a construction hard hat.

John Griggs

Sunday, February 16, 2014

African American Olympic Speed Skater Shani Davis

I watched some of the 2014 Winter Olympics last night. To my surprise, there was an African American speed skater competing. His name is Shani Davis. Speed skating is not a sport you see black people playing that much.

Shani Davis finished only in 11th place in the 1,500 meter event yesterday. It was very disappointing finish for team USA. However, I think he has great potential.

I know how he can win the 2018 Winter Olympics. You know how in greyhound racing they have the greyhounds chasing that mechanical rabbit? Put that equipment on the track and replace the rabbit with a bucket of chicken wings and have Shani Davis chase that. Team USA will then win the gold!!!

John Griggs

Thursday, January 23, 2014

How to Get Better at Pretty Much Everything

Are you trying to develop a new skill, such as playing a sport, or do stand up comedy? The most effective way to get better at something is to practice the same days and same times each week. 

I now play sand volleyball and tennis regularly now. Tennis I've been playing on average twice per week since November of last year, I'm not super awesome yet, but I have gotten a lot better, since I started playing at least once a week. Three months ago, I would play tennis at meetups, and lose pretty much all my games. Now I win about half of the tennis matches I play. I can now return a lot of really hard serves, and I've had other players comment on how much I have improved. And this is in only a three month time period.

When I first started stand up comedy, I bombed... a lot. I really had no idea how bad I was until I did a set in front of people who hadn't seen me perform in years. Afterwards, they would tell me. "Wow you're really funny now! You used to really suck!" Of course they wouldn't tell me to my face that I sucked back then. Sometimes I wish they would have... I might have stopped doing stand up entirely, and saved myself a lot of money spent on alcohol.

I got better at stand up comedy and sports by practicing what I wanted to get better at least once per week. The problem is getting through the beginning stages. You're going to suck really bad for a while. Don't get discouraged and quit during this phase... it is very important that you don't. Just keep at it, and make it your main goal to suck less and less each week.

Unless of course your goal is to be a prostitute...

John Griggs