Saturday, December 11, 2010

Making Money with Affiliate Programs

One of the main issues we have as entertainers is we have is getting paid gigs on a consistent basis. Therefore, it's important for you to explore other ways to make money until you build enough of a reputation to earn your living from stand up comedy, music, or whatever you are trying to accomplish in the entertainment industry.

One way to earn money is through affiliate programs. Basically what this means is you post ads for other companies' products on your website. Then when your visitors click on the advertisement and end up purchasing, you earn a percentage of the sale. It's a great way to make residual income.

Soon, I am going to experiment with affiliate programs on my website. I tried it once before, but did not have much success. However, I have learned some things since my first attempt. One thing I found out is you should promote products that are related to your business. For example, if you are a stand up comedian, try promoting other products related to comedy. Associateprograms.com has a list of humor affiliate programs you can check out HERE.

If you don't promote products that are related to your website, you're not going to make money. For example, if you write a blog on parenting or religion, putting banners on your site from Foulmouthshirts.com isn't going to get you any sales. However, doing just that would get you some VERY interesting emails from your readers! :>

John Griggs

http://www.johngriggscomedy.com

Email: john@johngriggscomedy.com

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

I have a new business!

Like many of you, I am struggling to make ends meet in this economy. So today, I decided to start a new business. I think it is genius, and it's going to take off! Being the hot stud that I am, someone needs to attend to needs of all you beautiful women out there. Therefore I started my own escort service for the ladies!!! I do bachelorette parties, dinner dates, and more! Here is my NEW website with more info:


I live in Scottsdale Arizona, but I am open to travelling outside of the Phoenix area as well. Email me for more info here:


I'm gonna make a lot of ladies happy once this site takes off. Most of all, I'm gonna be rich!!!

John Griggs


Wednesday, November 24, 2010

The Benefits and Drawbacks of Repetition

As a stand up comedian, I often do the same jokes at different clubs quite often. This is intentional. The reason why I do this is because the more often you do the same thing over and over again, the more comfortable you will feel, and the better you will get.

If you ever had a phone sales job, they usually give you a script to follow. They do this for the same reason. Once you repeat something over and over again, you don't have to think about it, and it becomes natural.

Of course, repeating something over and over again can be detrimental as well. Just ask anyone who drives home drunk regularly from the bars. Lots of people who do this end up with expensive DUIs.

I currently struggle with job interviews. Because it is not something I do every day, I am often unprepared to give good responses on the fly. From now on, I am going to prepare some good responses in advance, and practice them until I have committed them to memory and feel comfortable delivering them. If you are struggling with job interviews, try this strategy yourself.

Of course, I do not plan on relying on having a day job too much longer. I believe that I can eventually get paid a lot more and enjoy myself more if I were self-employed versus working at a stupid job. Therefore, I am committing myself to finding ways of providing value to others on my own. I have a four day weekend this weekend, so I am going to spend a lot of it experimenting, writing, and breaking my usual routines. Try doing something outside of your comfort zone yourself and see where it takes you.

As humans, we fall into routines quite easily. Look at what you do on evenings and weekends when you are not working. For example, if you exercise, write, or do some kind of performing, you are on track to having a better future. If you spend the majority of your spare time watching TV, playing online games, or getting wasted, your future will not improve.

If you are unhappy with your job or your current life situation, quit complaining about it. Instead, find small ways to change your daily routine that will help you. You may not be able change anything overnight, however the small changes that you make now will benefit you in the long run.

The best way to improve your future is to take action. Do it NOW!

John Griggs

http://www.johngriggscomedy.com/

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

One Solution to My Money Problems

In my last post, I informed you guys that I was going through some financial challenges. I know what I have to do now to improve my money situation.

If I was a female or gay, I could just be a stripper or be an escort. I am a VERY straight male. So I have another solution to my money troubles. I am going to start writing more erotic romance novels.

You can actually see a sample of my work here:

http://seniorotica.blogspot.com/2010/09/mildred-seductively-undressed-henry.html

See more erotic stories at Seniorotica's main site here:

http://seniorotica.blogspot.com

John Griggs

http://www.johngriggscomedy.com

Monday, November 8, 2010

Money Troubles and Crappy Jobs

Lately, earning money has been a real struggle for me. I currently work at a telemarketing job. The money I make there is a pittance. I've been to three job interviews within this last month. None of them have called me back. I didn't even receive a canned rejection letter.

I have tried the self-employment route. The money I earn from stand-up comedy is a joke (and not a funny one either). A good percentage of what I do earn ends up being spent on gas and food and drinks from being out and about. I also earn a VERY small residual income from articles I have written online.

So where does this leave me? I could try applying for more jobs, but I think it would be a waste of time. None of the jobs I have had these last two years have lasted more than nine months. I got fired from a "good" company two years ago after working there only six months. When I go to an interview, the recruiters ask me "Why did you leave this company?" almost every time. I got canned because I didn't meet their production standards. I think it is total bullshit that I am judged on an isolated incident that happened two years ago. It's a good thing Oprah Winfrey wasn't judged the same way. "Oprah, you got pregnant at age 14, we can't give you a TV show!!!"

I have to take an educated guess as to why I am not getting hired, because these recruiters are cowards and are too chicken shit to actually let me know the real reason why they won't hire me.

I really don't want to work at a cubicle farm for much longer. Therefore, I have to either figure out a way to make serious money from my comedy and writing, or start a business offering another product or service.

I could use some suggestions. Will any of my two readers I get per day offer me any advice?

John Griggs

http://www.johngriggscomedy.com

Monday, November 1, 2010

Help Wanted with My New Book!

I want to go to a writing group in or near Phoenix Arizona. I am open to actually starting a brand new writing group as well. I am interested in meeting with other people who need help writing books.

I need help with my book. It's an erotic novel. It's about a hot stud who has wild passionate sex with women he met in a writing group.

Email me if you can help here:

john@johngriggscomedy.com

Serious inquiries only. Thanks!

John Griggs



Saturday, October 9, 2010

Wild Time Machine Adventures - Chapter 1

Wild Time Machine Adventures - by John Griggs

“You IDIOT! You lost your job AGAIN?!” Madeline screamed.

“Babe, you know I can’t work under those conditions!” Steve replied.

“Yeah when you say ‘those conditions’ you mean coming to work drunk? How the hell are we going to pay rent???” Madeline quipped. She clenched her fists and she became more and more visibly angry.

“Babe, relax. All of our financial troubles will be over soon.” Steve got a beer from the refrigerator and gulped it down to help with his hangover.

Madeline grabbed a stack of overdue bills and slammed on the counter in front of Steve. “Yeah, you said that after you bought that ‘home-based business’ online. What do you have now Genius???”

“I got us a time machine!”

“What do you plan on doing?”

“Just trust me.” Steve confidently replied.

Steve went outside, entered the time machine, and pressed buttons. Soon flashes of lightning bolts surrounded it, and then it disappeared in a puff of smoke!

An hour later, Steve returned with the time machine.

“Babe, check this out. I bought something from the past and brought it back to the present time. I’m going to sell it now and get us some cash. I’m sure it’s worth millions of dollars now!”

Madeline had a beautiful smile, something Steve hadn’t seen that often lately.

“Wow, I’m impressed! For once, it looks like you did something intelligent. What did you bring back? The first Superman comic book?”

“Even better!”

“The first issue of Mad Magazine?”

“Even better!”

Steve jumped up and down with excitement, then kissed Madeline passionately for a minute. He then left their apartment with his prize still in the plastic bag.

An hour later, Steve returned, looking defeated.

“What happened?” Madeline asked, not looking happy now.

“Well, I went to the pawn shop, but they didn’t give me as much as I expected.”

“What did you buy?” Madeline inquired.

“I bought Paris Hilton’s first CD. It was still in the shrink wrap!”

“How much did you get for it?”

“They paid me five dollars… to dispose of it.”

Sunday, September 26, 2010

How to Achieve Total Domination Over a Jerk

I encounter jerks quite frequently. When I'm on stage, these jerks usually take the form of hecklers. I encounter them in my regular life as well. These are people who try to dominate you by fear. Their strategies usually involve talking loud, interrupting you, and making threats. They are trying to be a dominant, but in reality these people have weak energy and you can totally crush them. Here's how you do it:

1. Don't lose your cool.

If you lose your temper, you have lowered yourself to their level and are playing their game. They are trying to piss you off. Don't let them succeed. Maintain your composure and watch them explode with profanities and irrational arguments. They will be the ones that look stupid, not you.

2. Be ready to respond with something more clever than them.

If someone insults you or makes a threat, be ready to respond off the cuff. I'll give you an example. I currently have a day job as a telemarketer. One guy I talked to called me every name in the book. Then he threatened me with "I'm recording this conversation". I said "Good! You should sell the tape to a record company and make some money. I'm sure you'd be great entertainment for listeners. It wouldn't go well on radio though because they'd have to bleep out everything you say." He then cursed at me one last time and hung up.

3. Deliver your knock out blow.

If someone persists on threatening and harassing you, don't threaten them back. Simply act. This will throw your opponent totally off guard. I'll give you an example of this; I was harassed by a collection agency recently. They made illegal threats saying they would get a judgment against me and take my car and freeze my bank accounts. They also threatened me on voicemail. Unfortunately for them, they forgot to mention they were a collection agency, which is against the law. I promptly sent the voicemails to an attorney along with details of every conversation I had with them. My lawyer filed a lawsuit against them. A few months later the collection agency settled and I am $1000 richer.

Anyone who tries to dominate someone by fear is not a true leader. We need more people who rule without having to resort to scare tactics. I am ready to be a true leader. Are you?

John Griggs

Sunday, September 12, 2010

New comic strip - Crazy Ass Comix!

Here is my newest creation - Crazy Ass Comix! This idea has been in my head since last week, but I finally took the time to complete it today. This is the first Crazy Ass Comix edition ever. It's not work appropriate - if you have a boss that's a douche. So check out my comic strip... if you get fired from your job... you needed to quit that place anyway. Here it is!

Monday, August 16, 2010

Music and its influence on society

When I was a teenager, I grew up in a Christian home. Many of the Christian preachers and literature stressed that much of the popular music was "Satanic" and that it would cause teenagers to do bad things.

I actually do believe that some music has a negative influence on society. Although, I think there are many songs that are communicating a much more dangerous message than the supposedly "Satanic" songs.

Here is a song from the 80s that I actually liked until recently. It's "Who's Holding Donna Now" by DeBarge.





Here are some of the lyrics:

Well I keep wondering who's holding Donna now,
And I keep wondering who's heart she's knocking around,
There's nothing I wouldn't do,
To be in his shoes right now.

Apparently, DeBarge had a breakup with his girlfriend prior to writing this song. Now he's feeling sorry for himself and wants his old girlfriend back. What a wimpy douchebag! Hey Debarge... news flash you're a rock star. Get over it, and find a new woman (or women)! Debarge, if I was in *YOUR* shoes I would write a song something like this:

Hey Donna now our courtship has ended,

And guess what, I'm fully mended,
I'm single now, gonna hang with gang,
And get lots of POONTANG!

YEAH!!!

The problem with this song by DeBarge and countless other popular artists is that they are subliminally teaching us that after a break up, you should feel sorry for yourself, feel sad for a long time, and do anything to get your ex back. When some people find out they CAN'T get their ex back, they do a lot of ugly things. This may be the reason why YOUR ex-girlfriend slashed your tires. Worse, songs like these this may be part of the reason why there are so many rotten guys murdering their ex-girlfriends. The only people benefiting from these bastards is the people doing programming for the ID channel.

Worse, we have songs like Michael Bolton's "How Am I Supposed to Live Without You". Michael what are you trying to teach people, to commit suicide after a breakup?!?!?

It is time for musicians around the globe to write more empowering lyrics and get some songs out there that will positively impact society. I think this would help our world greatly. If you are in a band, and would like help with this, I can. Not only am I a comedian, I can sing and write lyrics.

Although we still have a severe shortage of postive songs, we may be heading in the right direction. Here's one of my favorite new songs that was released recently. It's Samantha James' "Waves of Change":




Hey Samantha, not only are you an amazing singer, I think you are sexy as hell. We should hook up! I am intelligent, hilarious, sexy, and an amazing kisser!

Oh yeah and I can write lyrics too!

John Griggs

http://www.johngriggscomedy.com/

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Finding a new career

My last post expressed my extreme displeasure of interviewing for jobs. Until I make enough money from stand up comedy or something else to make a living at it, I need to find a job where I don't want to stab somebody at the end of each workday. I haven't succeeded yet.

So here are some possibilities...

Personal Trainer - These last few months, I have actually taken physical fitness very seriously. In three months, I have lost 15 pounds, and I am at my lowest weight since high school. I go to a gym regularly and take a Boxing Conditioning Class weekly. I also tried yoga recently. I loved those classes and meeting lots of beautiful ladies there.

Dog Trainer/Sitter - Dogs are awesome. When I am with a dog, they are just happy with my company. Whether it's playing a game of tug of war, playing a game of chase, or just relaxing, I always have lots of fun with dogs. My ex-girlfriends didn't like the way I get them riled up, but oh well. So a career working with dogs is a good possibility too. Besides that, I have met lots of beautiful women by walking other people's dogs.

Forest Ranger or other nature type job - This would be cool too. I've hiked to the bottom of the Grand Canyon three times, and thoroughly enjoy nature. Working for the Grand Canyon or another park would certainly beat working at a cubicle farm. I have worked for various call centers for years, and I hate them all. Besides that, national parks usually have lots of beautiful ladies.

So... I guess I need to find a career where I can meet lots of beautiful ladies....

John Griggs


Sunday, August 1, 2010

What to do when an employer doesn't contact you after an interview

I love performing stand up comedy, and I especially love getting paid for doing it. My goal is to eventually make enough from writing and comedy to not have to rely on a stupid job to pay my bills.

These past couple of months I have seen some positive changes. I have had a significant increase in the amount of paid gigs I get. Therefore, I can actually see myself making my goal a reality. Unfortunately, I am not there yet. I presently am working at a stupid job during the day. I am looking for another job now. So I have to play the ridiculous game of interviewing.

Employers expect us to be totally honest when we apply for a job. However, after an interview, a lot of managers and HR people will tell you something like "Thanks for coming in - we'll call you with our decision by Friday". If you don't get the job, most of them won't even bother calling you. Lying sacks of shit!!! They may send you a canned rejection letter saying something like "Although we were impressed with your qualifications, we have selected more suitable candidates for the position. We'll keep your resume on file and contact you if anything else comes up." which is usually another lie.

I have a great response to any canned rejection letters you may get. Check it out HERE.

What pisses me off is those employers that don't even have the courtesy to contact you at all after an interview. This has happened to me a couple of times recently. They didn't even send a canned rejection letter. So this is the letter I am sending out to them. Feel free to cut and paste it for yourself. Here it is:

Dear Recruiter,

Thank you for interviewing me on June 12, 2008. I still haven't received any response from you as to whether I got the job or not. So I guess I am still being considered! You must be interviewing thousands and thousands of candidates, because normally it doesn't take two years for an employer to let me know their decision. Either that, or you are just totally inconsiderate. Or possibly we are living in a parallel universe where no response from you means I am hired! I think that must be the case, because I *know* you would *never* be an inconsiderate douche and not call or write me back.

Quick question - is there going to be a drug test? I can pass one now. However, I am hoping there won't be any random drug tests after I start employment. I say this because I would need some hardcore drugs to tolerate working for assholes like you.

Fuck You!!!

Sincerely,

John Griggs




Wednesday, July 21, 2010

My First Hate Mail

I am moving up in the world. I finally received my first hate mail!!! It is from another guy named John Griggs. Check it out!

-------- Original Message --------
Subject: your comics suck
From: "John D. Griggs"
To: john@johngriggscomedy.com

You should change your name so I don’t look so bad.

-------- My Response ------------

Subject: RE: your comics suck
From: john@johngriggscomedy.com
To: "John D. Griggs"

Regardless of whether I change my name or not, you will still look bad, and you will still be a retard. Thank you for the feedback.

John Griggs

http://www.johngriggscomedy.com

Saturday, June 5, 2010

Forward this Chain Letter - OR ELSE!

Have you ever seen those ridiculous chain letters that tell you to forward it or bad things will happen? I can assure you they are not true. Except of course this one! I actually wrote this one - in a previous life! Check it out Yo:

This letter has been circulating since 1991 B.C. It has remained
unchanged throughout all these years. Which is truly amazing because
Modern English didn't exist back then.

Pass this message on to as many of your friends as possible, and you
will receive good luck! Not forwarding this message could have dire
consequences. Just look at this horror story below!

Nathan Ulysses Thurmond from Toledo, Ohio received this message, and
did not forward it. His classmates then figured out what his initials
spell out and teased him constantly. Depressed, he dropped out of high
school, then started walking down the street and was beat up by circus
midgets and IRS agents. Then some squirrels, thinking he was a NUT,
attacked Nathan as well! Disoriented, he tried to find the hospital,
but instead stumbled into an Internet cafe. Almost bleeding to death,
he found this message in his Yahoo e-mail account, and began to
forward this e-mail to everyone in his Address book. His bad then luck
began to change for the better. His wounds healed instantaneously and
he then met a beautiful blonde girl there. They left the cafe hand in
hand and kissed passionately under the stars. She then took Nathan
back to her place and they made wild passionate love all night!
Unfortunately, when he was trying to forward this message earlier, he
forgot to hit 'Send'. Years later, he barely managed to get his GED,
works at a dead-end job, pays child support to that blonde,
and is paying off credit card debt from a Nintendo 64 he bought his
son at the pawn shop. His son resents him and doesn't play with the
Nintendo because it's obsolete.


Do not let this anything like this happen to you. Forward this message
to as many people as possible. "Everybody's doing it!"

John Griggs

http://www.johngriggscomedy.com/

Monday, May 31, 2010

New Twitter Account mocks BP

A hilarious new Twitter account started recently mocking BP and their oil spill cleanup efforts. They pretend they are from the actual company and make hilarious Tweets such as "Of course, bp cares about the fishing industry as well. Now, all tuna from the gulf coast comes pre-packaged in oil." At the time of this writing, they have over 90,000 followers. The BP Twitter account actually run by the real company has less than 9,000 followers as of now.

This spoof account has already grabbed the attention of ABC News, Alyssa Milano, and other celebrities and news channels. Check them out here... they are hilarious!


John Griggs


Friday, May 21, 2010

How to Get What You Want

If you are struggling financially, can't get a woman to go out with you, or have other needs that aren't being met, you have to turn your needs into wants. You are much more likely to get something if you go after it instead of waiting around for a handout.

Years ago, I felt I needed a girlfriend really badly. When I approached a women, they often just wanted to "stay friends" even though I really tried my best to change that. Often when I would try to kiss a woman, she would turn away.

I then learned some social skills, started dating other women, boosted my confidence, and got myself in shape. Nowadays the situation has changed. Now I have several women who put me in the "friend" zone years ago now wanting to hook up. Presently, I can't say I know everything about attracting women, but I am a lot more knowledgeable in this area than I was in the past.

Guys, if you want to hook up with a woman, quit being needy. Don't beg a woman to be your girlfriend, don't call a woman excessively, and don't violate her comfort zone/touch her unless she is receptive. Instead, imagine yourself as a lady killer. Be spontaneous, funny, and have confidence. Women will pick up on that, and you will be on your way to being a bitch magnet.

Ladies, you can hook up with guys a lot easier than we can with you. However, when you act needy, you scare us off. For example, talking about getting married when you are in the relationship less than six months is a big no no. Instead, talk to your man about taking fun road trips together. Your new boyfriend will be much more receptive.

Besides attracting a partner, being less needy will help you attract money as well. Look at all the homeless/shady people that go to you begging for money. This just scares people off. These poor people should try other things instead. Here some suggestions:
  • Tell them a joke.
  • Play some music.
  • Tell people that you'll perform a stunt or mess with that snobby looking chick if you give them a dollar.
When I was in Hollywood, a black dude came up to me and said "How about a nice black looking dude like you help a poor white guy like me with some change?" I had a laugh and ended up giving him a dollar.

If you're broke, quit complaining about it. Instead, upgrade your skills so you can find a better job or start your own business. Find a way you can contribute. I've had quite a bit of financial struggles in the recent past. However, now that I am proactively networking myself and finding new ways to make money, my situation is improving every day.

When you are needy, you try to take stuff without giving anything back. The universe and people are resistant to this. To achieve your goals, contribute something of value and in due time you will be rewarded.

Let's take a couple of other examples of how needs and wants are different. 2 Live Crew has that song "HEY - we want some PUSSY". Because of that song, the members of 2 Live Crew got (and probably is still getting) a lot of poontang. If the song was called "HEY - I need to get laid, can a lady help me out please?", I don't think females would be as receptive.

Lady Antebellum also has a recent song called "Need You NOW". The lyrics go like this: "It's a quarter after one, I'm a little drunk and I need you now". If a woman said that in real life to me, and I had nothing else going on, I would probably go to her place and bang her. However, a female saying "I need you" sounds desperate and I would not be back for seconds. However, if a woman tells me "I want you" that is totally sexy. Ladies - who wants some help with writing a song?

John Griggs











Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Special Comedy Show at The Ice House Tavern

Are you looking for something to do this Wednesday night? The hilarious Ronnie D. is having a special show at The Ice House Tavern on Wednesday, May 19 at 8:30pm. There is a great lineup of comedians. Myself, Ronnie D., Cierra Miranda, Greg Tidrow, and Sean McCarthy will be performing. Ronnie D. will also have some hilarious short films for your entertainment as well. No cover charge... don't miss it! Here is where it is located:

The Ice House Tavern
3855 East Thomas Road
Phoenix, AZ 85018-7504
(602) 244-1179

Here is the commercial for this awesome show. See you there!






John Griggs


Saturday, May 1, 2010

Cinco De Mayo Comedy Shows in Phoenix

Are you in the Phoenix area and don't know what to do for Cinco De Mayo? Why not check out a comedy show? There are plenty of them going on this coming Wednesday. Here is of great places to check out:

The Hidden House
607 W Osborn Rd
Phoenix, AZ 85013
(602) 266-1763

A few short years ago, this comedy show was an open mic with hardly anybody in the audience. Nowadays it is one of the most successful comedy shows in Arizona. Because of the popularity of this show, it is now held twice a week on Wednesdays and Thursdays. Comedians will often use their time here to test new material out, so you never know what to expect. Everybody from first timers to nationally touring headliners perform here, so you can expect a great variety. This a great place to take a date without making a severe dent in your pocketbook. There's no cover charge, no drink minimum, and you can get a steak dinner for only $6 on Wednesdays! The show starts at 8:30PM.

Bongo's Bar & Grill
4080 W Ray Rd
Chandler, AZ 85226
(480) 831-0000

Local comedian Jill Bryan runs a comedy show every Wednesday at 8PM. There's always a different lineup of funny comedians every week. Bongo's also has delicious food, so you don't have to worry about going somewhere else before the show. After the comedy show, have fun watching or singing karaoke. Again, no cover charge, and no drink minimum!

The Ice House Tavern
3855 East Thomas Road
Phoenix, AZ 85018
(602) 244-1179

Sean McCarthy started this weekly comedy show a few months ago, and has quickly turned it into one of the most successful ones in the area. This is a very unique place - you can actually watch hockey being played live behind the bar! Come out for Cinco De Mayo, and laugh your ass off watching some of Arizona's best comedians. Local bands often come here and perform before and after the show, so you will be entertained all night long. The show is every Wednesday at 9PM, and will be a great place to go on May 5th! Again, no cover, no drink minimum.

I have been to all of these shows many times, and I would highly recommend any of them.

Comedians: if you need info on how to sign up to perform for one of these shows, go to my website for contact info here:

http://www.johngriggscomedy.com/Phoenix_Comedy_Shows.html

Most likely, these shows have enough comedians for Cinco De Mayo. However, come out and support anyway. You will have a good time, and you MAY actually be able to perform if there are cancellations. These shows will be around for a long time, so email/call the comedian running the show, and they will set you up for a future date. Whether you are a comedian in the Phoenix area, or plan to visit from out of town, these are all great places to test your material and have receptive audiences appreciate you.

John Griggs

http://www.johngriggscomedy.com

Saturday, April 24, 2010

Messing with Collection Agencies

Messing with collection agencies is awesome... especially since most of the people working there have no sense of humor. I had one recently leave a computer generated message on my voicemail. So I replied and left my own computer generated message on theirs.



John Griggs


Sunday, April 11, 2010

How to Make Your Job Application Stand Out

In this current economy, it is very tough to find a job. Therefore, you have to make your resume stand out from the others. I am currently sending cover letters and resumes to different companies. Not as myself of course... as my alter ego - Robert Bartholomew the Third!!! I've set up a new email account for Robert and an alternate phone number I have through Google Voice. Robert's address is an insane asylum located in Phoenix.

My resume definitely stands out. However, it probably isn't going to get me a job. Who cares though.... I'm going to have some fun. Hopefully, the recuiters I am sending these resumes to have a sense of humor.

I am applying to various call center jobs as Robert to different companies. I sent all of them a standard cover letter, on how I would be a good fit for the job, how I am good at multitasking and all of the other nonsense people write in these documents. This is just bait to get them to read my resume in Microsoft Word. Here is Robert's resume:

Objective: To be micromanaged in a dead end job. To sell worthless products and convince customers that they need them in a call center environment.

Work History (Previous Lives)

Roman Soldier, Rome, Roman Empire (39 A.D. – 59 A.D.)
Helped strengthen Christianity by feeding their followers to lions.
Provided entertainment for thousands of Roman citizens.

Sales Associate, London, England (November 1810 – January 1835)
Exceeded sales expectations by 50 percent – as a prostitute.

Work History (Present Life)

Ugly Ducking Car Sales (Drive Time), Phoenix, AZ (January 1999 – November 2009)
Able to sell cars even though they were all pieces of junk. Pretty impressive huh?

Well… what are waiting for? Call me for an interview already!!! If you hire me, I will even dispose of all the other applicants resumes for you. Isn’t that nice of me?


I will keep you posted on all correspondence I receive from these companies. I can't wait to see how they respond!



John Griggs



http://www.johngriggscomedy.com/



Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Comedy Show in Tempe Arizona

There's an awesome comedy show coming up in Tempe Arizona this coming Saturday! It's at the Stray Cat Bar & Grill. Tickets are only $10, and includes a free drink! Sean McCarthy, Ben Vitoff, Will Novak, myself, and Dirty Red will be performing. These are some of the BEST local comedians, so you will have a good time and have lots of laughs! Here is the information about the show:

Stray Cat Bar & Grill
2433 E University Dr
Tempe, AZ 85251
Saturday, April 3rd at 7:30PM

comedy show tempe az arizona

See you there!

John Griggs


Tuesday, March 23, 2010

The Law of Attraction and Dating

Are you single and looking to meet a man or a woman to be your boyfriend or girlfriend? A good way to do this is use the Law of Attraction to make your wish come true. Write exactly what kind of man or woman you want. Write as if you are already with that person. Then imagine that what you are writing is actually happening and note what kind of feelings you have. This will help you attract the kind of significant other that you actually want.

For example:

The woman I am currently with is athletic, intelligent, has a positive attitude, and makes me feel great about myself. I can carry on conversations with her for hours. She's independent, and doesn't complain about trivial stuff. She loves dogs, is a creative person, and is constantly working on self improvement. She has an amazing body and is an awesome kisser. When I'm with her, I feel like I can do anything.

Sorry guys, this one's mine.

Ladies, if you are looking for an awesome guy, you can do something similar. Like this:

The guy I am currently seeing is a great listener, is intelligent, has a great body, and is totally hilarious. He's awesome in bed and knows how to make me feel special. I am totally in love with him.

Write something like this out, follow the instructions I provided earlier, and this will help make your dream guy or girl a reality. Or ladies, if the last paragraph sounds good to you, just email me at john@johngriggscomedy.com.

John Griggs




Saturday, March 20, 2010

Why the War on Drugs is a Big Fat Joke

The government often fines and imprisons people who use illegal drugs. Are they doing this for your well being? Hell no! In reality, the government doesn't care about you at all. All they care about is taking money from its citizens. If they really cared about us, cigarettes, alcohol, and numerous pharmaceutical drugs that cause countless health problems and deaths would be illegal. Instead, the government only targets drugs such as marijuana that aren't making them money.

There are two solutions that would work much better than what we have in place now.

1. Make ALL drugs legal

This sounds extreme, but anything is better than the system we have in place now. Let people use whatever drugs they want. Let them practice free will. If a few people want to get together at a house and smoke pot, who cares? They are not hurting anybody. If people who use hard drugs like cocaine and meth end up killing themselves with an overdose, that is their choice. You have the freedom to choose what kind of life you want to live. No government has the right to interfere with that.

No laws are going to prevent people from doing illegal drugs. If you want people to stop using drugs, we should try this instead:

2. Make the World a Better Place

People often take legal and illegal drugs for a temporary escape from their problems.
Therefore, an awesome solution to the drug problem would be to make the world such a great place to live, no one would need to use drugs or alcohol. Will we see an ideal world like this in our lifetime? It's up to you.

John Griggs

http://www.johngriggscomedy.com

Saturday, March 13, 2010

How to Get Ladies and Money by Being Patient

Guys - do you want to be rich AND have gorgeous ladies have sex with you? You wont get the skills to get either of these overnight. However, let me share some knowledge with you that will help you get both.

What is one of the main reasons people spend money? To save TIME. For example, you take your car to a mechanic to get your oil changed. You save time, the mechanic gets a profit. Cha-ching!

Now if you were to take the time to change your oil yourself, you would save yourself money. Better yet, if you became skilled enough, you could work on other people's cars and earn a good living off of it. Cha-ching!

Think of other creative ways you can help people save time, and you can earn a great living.

Because people want to save time, many guys don't want to take the time to learn how to pick up women. They want sex NOW, so they hire a prostitute. The guy and prostitute have sex - Cha-ching!

If you have patience and actually take the time to learn the art of picking up women, you don't have to use the services of a prostitute, or settle for someone less than what you deserve. You'll make some mistakes along the way, but if you read some good material on picking up women, and then actually put it into practice, eventually you'll get good enough to score fairly regularly. Then you can use the money you save to rent a hotel room or whatever you wish.

Once you build your pickup skills sufficiently, you can actually make money from others. No I am not talking about being a male prostitute. What I mean is this... have other guys learn from you how to pickup women and profit from it. Sell E-Books, become a professional dating consultant, or figure out another way to profit from educating other guys on how to score with women. Many guys have already made a good living from this. Once I have enough material on this website, and I feel people are benefiting from it, I am going have some AWESOME products available for great prices that will help you pick up the ladies.

Patience will actually help you score with the ladies when you are talking with them. If you make your move too soon, you will get the opposite effect that you are hoping for. She will see you as a creep and run the other way. Instead, concentrate on having awesome conversation, making her laugh, and flirting. If she reacts positively, don't act too interested too soon.

Remember, whether you are looking for a new lover or money, desperation is your enemy, confidence and a sense of humor are your friends.

Peace!

John Griggs





Thursday, March 11, 2010

How to Look Good for the Ladies

Many of us guys want to know how to attract women. Looking and smelling good isn't the most important factor in doing getting ladies to like you. However it IS very important.

Take a good look at your wardrobe. Do you have pants that don't fit any more? Get rid of them. Do you have shirts with holes or with missing buttons? Get rid of them. You aren't going to take the time to sew a button on. Next, look around at your remaining wardrobe. Donate or throw out anything you don't wear regularly. Now you have some room to start buying new stuff!

Next, ask some females what looks good on guys. Not only will you get some valuable insights in fashion, you also started an interesting conversation with a female! Fashion is an AWESOME topic to discuss with ladies. If this tip helps you, just remember to invite me to your wedding.

Now go shopping. You can take a female friend with you if you choose to give you advice. Repeat as necessary. When females give you compliments like "nice shirt" and they aren't being sarcastic, you are on the right track.

You don't have to spend hundreds of dollars to look good. Outlet stores, and many other clothing stores can provide you with fantastic looking outfits without you going broke. Just stay away from Wal-Mart, unless you like supporting your local sweatshop and don't mind attracting women that are how you say... less than stellar.

After that, you want buy some cologne. Again, I would advise not getting it from Wal-Mart. You can get decent cologne at a mall for about 40 bucks or so. Drakkar, Joop and Guess have all provided me with good results. When you do use cologne, don't overdo it! A couple of quick sprays should be more than sufficient.

Last but not least, you want to get in shape. If you haven't already, start an exercise program. Ride a bike, play volleyball, lift weights, or do some other physical activity you enjoy. Not only will your body look and feel better, exercise is also is a great way to lift your spirits. With you being in a better mood, women will desire you more. Besides that, if you end up attracting a fitness model, you don't want to get winded too quickly if you end up doing physical activities together!

John Griggs

http://www.johngriggscomedy.com

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Should "Comedy Video of the Week" be continued? It's up to you.

I haven't posted any new blogs in the last couple of weeks due to working on other projects and because of moving last week. Up until the middle of last month, each week I was doing the "Comedy Video of the Week" that featured a new funny skit, or stand up comedy that I found on the Internet. Because I want to make some changes to this blog, I am not sure if I want to continue doing this. If you wish, send me an email at john@johngriggscomedy.com - and let me know what you think.

Thank you for your feedback!

How Toastmasters Can Help Your Stand Up Comedy

Last week I had the pleasure of going to a Toastmasters meeting in Phoenix as a guest. Everyone there was really nice and made me feel at home.

Unexpectedly, they actually had me speak in front of them. The guy running the meeting made up a goofy holiday, and asked me why it was or wasn't a good idea to have it. I then did a quick impromptu speech explaining to the group why it was a good idea to have National Pizza Day. I had fun with it, even though I was totally unprepared.

As comedians, we often rely too much on our prepared material. When a heckler yells something, our material doesn't fly with the audience, or other unexpected things happen, it can be quite disconcerting. In these situations, it is good to come up with something "on the fly". Doing impromptu speeches at places like Toastmasters can help you in these situations.

If you lift weights, you most likely do bench presses. As you know, you need to develop your shoulders and triceps in addition to your chest to make significant gains on the bench press. Think of regular stand up comedy shows as developing your chest, and participating in a Toastmasters meeting as developing your shoulders and triceps. Use this strategy, and you will see significant gains in strength in both your comedy and/or your bodybuilding.

In addition to these benefits, going to a Toastmasters meeting provides excellent networking opportunities. If you attend a lot of local comedy shows, you often will see a lot of the same people there. By going to a Toastmasters meeting, you can tell other members there about your shows and get lots of brand new people to watch you!

John Griggs




Saturday, January 16, 2010

Energy Conservation

Here is the Comedy Video of the Week. Comedian Jim Holland makes fun of a business that leaves a television on all night after business hours.





John Griggs


Thursday, January 7, 2010

Jack Douglass - Comedy Video of the Week

This week's Comedy Video of the week is by one of my favorite producers on YouTube. His name is Jack Douglass - his most video is the hilarious WTF Blanket parody. Here is his video "Wimpy Boy Bands: The First Boy Band":





You can view more of his videos here:


John Griggs


Sunday, January 3, 2010

The Dating Game Parody

Remember the show The Dating Game that was on ABC many years ago? Per Wikipedia, this show first aired on December 20, 1965! Farrah Fawcett, Madonna, and Suzanne Somers were all contestants on this show before they became famous.

Check out this video I produced - it's a spoof of the Dating Game. The lovely bachelorette Kandi must choose one of three eligible bachelors. Enjoy!




John Griggs

http://www.johngriggscomedy.com

Friday, January 1, 2010

What You Can Do in Scottsdale Arizona on New Year's Day

Are you looking for some entertainment tonight in the Phoenix area? Come out to JJ's Sports Cantina in Scottsdale Arizona and check out their comedy contest! It's only a $5 cover charge, and you will have a fun night of laughs. There will be a great variety of stand up comedy, and it's always a good time. After the show, you can sing karaoke in the bar next door. Here is the info on the show:

JJ's Sports Cantina
409 N Scottsdale Rd
Scottsdale, AZ 85257
Friday, January 1, 2010 at 8:00pm

I will be performing there tonight, and have some new material prepared in addition to some of my older favorites.

See you there!

John Griggs


 
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